March 11, 2005


moving on/backwards?

he bought a cd for me the night before he broke up with me, The Killers. he knew i had been wanting it for a while, i wasnt feeling good, it was on sale at best buy... it was meant to be. i'm glad i got that out of him at the last minute, as it were.

but i was getting to a point, wasnt i? i've had that cd in my car on constant shuffle since sunday. i'm so incredibly in love with it. and one track in particular, "smile like you mean it" seems to come up with a disturbing regularity.

i'm trying, i really am.

my knitting, though... SUCKS. i have shitloads of red yarn that i'll never get paid for now. (i was making Zissou hats for the band. they were supposed to pay me this week.) and i've lost all interest in any project that is REMOTELY connected to him. not even consciously, i'll just pick up something, and ... nah. i dont feel like working on that. the kitty i was making for my little cousin? i made one for chris. (that will probably be neglected in the back of his closet forever more, or otherwise neglected.) the hourglass sweater? the silk garden gauntlets? blah.

the worst? i'm one ball away from completing my Banff sweater. i have no money. i've worked on this project EXCLUSIVELY at his house, at band practices. he offered to buy me the last ball, if i could find any online. it now sits on my floor, one ball from completion.

i've now regressed to some of my really old WIP's... my Iro entrelac wrap, silk garden Rosedale United, my silky wool sweater. but even then, my heart's not really in it. i've made less progress on my knitting in the past few days than i did at any band practice in the last two months. its like i just cant seem to get into it.

i've been spending a lot of time watching movies, reading trashy magazines, trying to re-hash what happened. but due to some particularly harsh events last night (him cursing me out, and making a point to inform me that he was out with his ex girlfriend) i'm finding it easier to ... begin to contemplate getting over him. the man i miss doesnt exist any more...

tomorrow night, i'm going out with the girls. good lord, i need this.

(thank you, everyone, for the kind words lately. i just wish some of you had left email addresses i could reply to you personally at! some made me smile, a few made me cry, but every single comment has made me profoundly grateful for finding this wonderful world of knit-bloggers. every single word has made a difference, thank you all.)

I'm so sorry you've gotta go through this. Nothing anyone says can stop the pain you're feeling, so I won't go into the slew of typical breakup advice. It will get better though, and from reading your blog, I know you know this.
Now is your time to focus on you and to heal. I always either destroy everything of sentimental value if I want to FORGET, or box it up and hide it for a while if I want to REMEMBER (later of course.)

My two cents...
1)snag up all the projects that remind you of him and stuff them in a box, only to be opened at a later time when you're not going to 'feel' their sentimental value.
2)or, frog those hats and the Banff (gasp, I did just say that) and start some new projects (ones without any sentimental attachment to said boy)!
3)or, have a "destashing sale" for the yarn from those hats. I'm sure one of your fellow knitters in blog land has a use for gads of red yarn and would be happy to take it off your hands. Either that or see if someone would be willing to trade for yarn that would be more useful for a new project for you.

Well wishes and better prospects for you:)
I'm tried to leave a comment yesterday, but blogger didn't like me :(

Anyway, I am so sorry to hear about your troubles. That really sucks. I hope that things will get better for you soon. Focus on healing.

Take care of you right now. You are soooo important! Don't forget that!
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